the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

[matapule]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).



ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

[Kimo]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

Now that we know the age profile of HT posters, this could be very useful for many of them (us),

[Kalalau]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

Once Robert Dole said he had been asked which was a greater problem in America, ignorance or indifference. He replied, "I don't know and I don't care".

Dole was reportedly asked that time old question, Boxers or Briefs, he replied, "Depends"

[oceanpacific]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

The young girl in the convent went to the Mother Superior and stammered:

Mother Superior, I don't know how to tell you this, but I've decided to leave for Las Vegas to become a prostitute.

What did you say? Please repeat yourself!

I ..... I ..... I said I'm leaving for Las Vegas to become a prostitute.

Oh, I thought you said PROTESTANT!

[matapule]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?

[Smudge]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water And subsequently bumps into the preacher.


The preacher turns around and is Almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the Drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"


The drunk answers, "Yes,I am."


So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and Asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"


The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."


The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for A little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks Again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"


The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."


By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the Water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.


When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up coughing and spluttering.


The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"


The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "No sir, I sure have not - are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Kalalau]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it
I had amnesia once---or twice

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses
sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man
who can't get his pants off
Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?


A friend sent these to me, I don't know the original source but they are amusing, yes? Maybe Carlin?

[Kalalau]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

My memory is so good I can't even remember the last time I forgot something.

[Kalalau]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of
Psychiatry at Harvard University ... Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10.. This is for cat.
11.. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top
down.

[matapule]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

A little silver-haired man calls his neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

His neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired man says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

His neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

He lets him in and shows him where he has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to him and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He pats him on the back and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


(scroll down)
>
>





"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Kalalau]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:




The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

[Menehune Man]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

I came home to this cartoon strategically taped above my checkbook in my room!
I LMAO and she giggled...
[IMG] Hagar cartoon from Sulu by Menehune Man, on Flickr[/IMG]

[Kaonohi]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

CATHOLIC COFFEE CONVERSATION

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son happens to be the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter; slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist, 34" hips.


When she walks into a room people say...........






"Oh my God!..."

[Kaonohi]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,

Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice! & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!


Tis me, ..................


I've Quit Drinking!"

[matapule]

Re: the HawaiiThreads best jokes thread

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."