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Old April 12th, 2019, 09:46 PM
Kerry Kerry is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Pahoa, HI
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Thumbs up Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating, etc.

Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating, etc. a.k.a. The Fidelity Agreement

This tip is about declaring up-front the kinds of behaviors/activities that are totally unacceptable—behaviors that will automatically trigger the divorce/annulment clause of your unique marriage vow—with absolutely no second chance. This tip is about creating an agreement, a vow, that defines ones boundaries about cheating, physical abuse, and specific illegal/unethical activities.1

Premises:
  • 1. Cheating (deceiving another) is abusive.
    2. It's abusive to use your leadership-communication skills to set up another to deceive you.
    3. All infidelities are premeditated abuse (abuse of oneself and of another).
    4. Anyone who supports a leader in cheating on his/her spouse is sabotaging the leader's organization, its mission/goals; the professed love is a lie.
    5. What's missing in all instances of infidelity is respect.
    6. To forgive someone you manipulated into deceiving you causes even more disrespect.2
    7. Cheating on a partner dooms their relationship with you to a life with little or no joy or drug-free ecstasy.
    8. With spousal infidelity or abuse there are no victims or perpetrators—only unconscious cons conning each other.
    9. The partner who doesn't insist that the other acknowledge the first abusive communication becomes cause for all successive abuses. I.e. A: "That didn't feel good. I'd like to hear you say that you know it was abusive." B: "I get that that was abusive." A "Thank you."
    10. Marriages without a fidelity agreement have an implied non-verbal agreement that cheating will probably be forgiven.
This tip is about consciously including a fidelity agreement in your marriage vow. I say consciously because a marriage vow that does not contain a verbal/written fidelity agreement does in fact contain an implied3 non-verbal agreement; such a vow non-verbally implies that cheating will possibly be allowed or forgiven. We know this to be true based upon the results typical marriage vows produce (approx 41% of divorced couples acknowledge infidelities).

A fidelity agreement is a wedding gift to you from millions and millions of divorced couples who, when they were exchanging marriage vows, never dreamed (self-righteously could not conceive) that cheating would take place during their unique marriage. Such arrogance begs to be humbled.

A fidelity agreement acknowledges that implied agreements have an effect. If you don't verbally co-create a Fidelity Agreement you both are unconsciously implying that cheating might be supported or forgiven. After reading this tip infidelity would not be an unconscious act, it would in fact be premeditated abuse; equally so, if you set up your spouse to cheat on you, referred to as entrapment.

This fidelity agreement is so clear that your wedding guests, both sets of parents, and any/all witnesses to the ceremony, will not support either of you in blaming the other or suing the other for alimony, possessions, or child custody in the event you cheat on your spouse or, if you manipulate or cause/intend your spouse to cheat on you. It precludes either spouse from later blaming the other, saying. "I didn't know." "I had no idea . . ." "I thought we were happy."

Cheating/illegal activities take place when both partners become stuck doing their imitation of communication. There is no such thing as an innocent spouseall unethical activities are enabled by an equally powerful spouse/partner, a con, one who has successfully developed a powerful innocent naive "take care of poor ignorant me" act (you can trust me to not insist that 'we' do business totally legally). In a loving relationship neither partner dares insult/offend the other with any questionable activity, such is their respect for each other, both sets of families, and all others.

Of the 41% of divorced marriages few were conscious enough to know they were lying when they swore to each other, before God, ". . . till death do us part." Most believed they were telling the truth; few were aware that that specific unconscious lie supported (caused) the outcome. A lie believed does not make it the truth.

Fidelity Agreement:

To preclude cheating include the following Fidelity Agreement (your words of course):
  • "If either of us cheat on the other the marriage is automatically annulled. All claims to our home, finances, possessions, and child custody are at the discretion of the other."
The word "annulled" is used to draw attention to the fact that your definition of a marriage includes fidelity. If cheating takes place then by definition the marriage is over—your ceremony included the typical sneaky non-verbal implied option to cheat.

For a Fidelity Agreement to work family and wedding guests must communicate this Wedding Guest Vow to the engaged couple: Again, your words:
"You are agreeing with me that you will call me or another guest the first time an upset or an experience of abuse is not resolved through to mutual satisfaction within 72-hours. Do we have an agreement?"
If a guest cannot facilitate completion of an incident he/she will call another wedding guest and together they will intervene. This agreement precludes partners from accumulating upsets and blaming the other for the results their leadership-communication skills are producing. It acknowledges that both partners know that they alone cause (start) all arguments).

1 Illegal/unethical activities: Such as with taxes, home/car insurance fraud, or food and rent welfare/subsidies. Making personal survival more important than supporting the financial well-being of others.

2 All "victims" of cheating can, during a communication consultation, recall all they did and did not do to intend the cheating. With infidelity, as with spousal abuse, there are no victims or perpetrators, only unconscious blaming cons.

3 Implied agreement: Most couples have an implied agreement to return home each night. If one breaks that agreement all hell breaks loose. The prevailing implied non-verbal agreement, the one that's unconsciously included in most of today's wedding vows, is, . . . if I cheat on you I expect you to accept my apology and forgive me and remain married to me. And, if you cheat on me I will badmouth you to others and blame you rather than acknowledge that my leadership-communication skills intended the result. We know this is the agreement because of the results.

4 If you are afraid to bring this subject up with your intended then you will most certainly cause the relationship to fail. If there is fear in the relationship there can be no open, honest, and spontaneous communication. If you withhold this tip from your betrothed it non-verbally grants him/her permission to withhold his/her thoughts of choice from you. Such behavior is in fact abusive. Abuse always produces undesirable results.

Last edited by Kerry; April 12th, 2019 at 09:55 PM.
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  #2  
Old April 13th, 2019, 12:14 PM
Ron Whitfield Ron Whitfield is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,817
Default Re: Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating, etc.

respect, honesty, and communication are paramount in any relationship, but those are usually the first to go when the honeymoon wears off, that leaves fertile ground for all the negatives to sprout and it's the beginning of the end. the US likely has the highest divorce rate cos most go into a marriage commitment for the least right reasons and typically at immature ages, it's really hard to overcome the inevitable issues when caring for the partner has declined. in our male-dominated society there will never be any solutions to problems, my fix has always been that all young girls learn high degrees of physical self defense so no male can ever have the slightest advantage over them, most of all, psychologically. just staying fit and aware goes a long ways in maintaining advantages over any oppressors for life, not many guys will try anything when he knows an asskicking is waiting. simple and effective lol
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  #3  
Old April 13th, 2019, 08:16 PM
Kerry Kerry is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Pahoa, HI
Posts: 14
Default Re: Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating, etc.

Hi Ron,

Me too about all teens developing their muscles and self defense skills. You might enjoy contributing to my Communication Tips for Teens.

Kerry
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