Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

[GypsyLika]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

From my email archives:

What Your Car Says About You


Acura Integra
I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars

Acura Legend
I’m too bland for German cars

Acura NSX
I am impotent

Audi 90
I enjoy putting out engine fires

Buick Park Avenue
I am older than 34 of the 50 states

Cadillac Eldorado
I am a very good Mary Kay salesman

Cadillac Seville
I am a pimp

Chevrolet Camaro
I enjoy beating the hell out of people

Chevrolet Chevette
I like seeing people’s reactions when I tell them I have a ‘Vette

Chevrolet Corvette
I’m in a mid-life crisis

Chevrolet Cavalier
Absolute LEGEND!

Chevrolet El Camino
I am leading a militia to overthrow the government

Chrysler Cordoba
I dig the rich Corinthian leather

Datsun 280Z
I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well

Dodge Dart
I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower

Dodge Daytona
I delivered pizza for four years to get this car

Ferrari Testarossa
I am known to prematurely ejaculate

Ford Explorer
I will not be caught dead in a mini van

Ford Fairmont
(See Dodge Dart)

Ford Mustang
I slow down to 85 in school zones

Ford Crown Victoria
I enjoy having people slow to 55 mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.

Geo Storm
I will start the 11th grade in the fall.

Geo Tracker
I will start the 12th grade in the fall.

Honda del Sol
I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all

Honda Civic
I have just graduated and have no credit

Honda Accord
I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.

Infiniti Q45
I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

Isuzu Impulse
I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.

Jaguar XJ6
I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.

Kia Sephia
I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.

Lamborghini Countach
I only have one testicle

Lincoln Town Car
I live for bingo and covered dish suppers

Mercury Grand Marquis
(See above)

Mercedes 500SL
I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph

Mercedes 560SEL
I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole

Mazda Miata
I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler

MGB
I am dating a mechanic

Mitsubishi Diamante
I don’t know what it means either

Nissan 300ZX
I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

Oldsmobile Cutlass
I just stole this car and I’m going to make a fortune off the parts

Peugeot 505 Diesel
I am on the EPA’s Ten Most Wanted List

Plymouth Neon
I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena

Pontiac Trans AM
I have a switchblade in my sock

Porsche 911 Turbo
I have a three inch penis.

Porsche 944
I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow
I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal

Saturn SC2
(See Honda Civic)

Subaru Legacy
I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu

Toyota Camry
I am still in the closet

Volkswagon Beetle
I still watch Partridge Family reruns

Volkswagon Cabriolet
I am out of the closet

Volkswagon Microbus
I am tripping right now

Volvo 740 Wagon
I am frightened of my wife

[Pomai]

Chinese Restaurants in Hawaii

True story!...

Growing up, our family made almost weekly visits to our favorite Chinese restaurant, Kin Wah in Kaneohe.

There was this one waitress who worked there a year or two. Very nice lady who served us quite often. Only thing, her heavy Chinese-English accent was almost complety VOID of consonants, especially the end of each word – ONLY vowels. Plus, she would often cut words in half. It took us a while to get used it, but eventually we all became "fluent" in understanding her.

Here's an example of a typical conversation we had with her (translated).*

*Pronounced in HEAVY Chinese accent to get the full effect.

Weh' Kih Wah, how eh'-bah-day?
(Welcome to Kin Wah, how's everybody's day?

Good! How are you?

Woh' Hah'. Bee!
(Working Hard. It's been busy!)

I know, we waited half an hour to get in.

Wah oh' day?
(What will you order today?)

**So we place our order**

Then she repeats our order to us:
You oh: (You ordered)
• Wah oh fai lai, no ay', no uh'
(1 order fried rice, no eggs, no onions)
• Wah oh wai lai
(1 order white rice)
Ay foo yuh'
(Egg Fu Yung)
• She Shau Shih'
(Sweet and Sour Shrimp)
She Shau Po'
(Sweet and Sour Pork)
• Ko Jih' Chih'
(Cold Ginger Chicken)
•*Cha Shoo Bau
(Chair Siu Bau)
• Bee Boh'
(Beef Broccoli)
• Kree Wuh Tah
(Crispy Won Ton)
• Duh ay'
(Duck Eggs)

Oh. Be bah ai wah
(O.K.. Be right back with iced water)

One day my father asked her what her name was and she said: "Beh'"
It took several failed attempts for him to understand her name, until she finally wrote on her order pad: "Betty".

I swear, my dad choked so hard, a chow fun noodle almost shot out his nose!

Sidenote: Kin Wah Chop Suey is still in the same place: the complex where Masa and Joyce Okazuya is, across Windard City Shopping Center. Still "WOK'in" after all these years and (IMHO) one of the BEST Chinese restaurants this side of the Koolau's.

[GypsyLika]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

Dr. Souza Portuguese Medical Dictionary

P O R T U G U E S E M E D I C A L D I C T I O N A R Y

ARTERY - The study of paintings

BACTERIA - Back door of a cafeteria

BARIUM - What doctors do when a patient dies

BOWEL - A letter like a, e, i, o, or u

CAESAREAN SECTION - A neighborhood in Rome

CAT SCAN - Searching for a kitty

CAUTERIZE - Had eye contact with her

COLIC - A sheep dog

COMA - A punctuation mark

D & C - Where Washington is

DILATE - To live long

ENEMA - Not a friend

FESTER - Quicker

FIBULA - A small lie

GENITAL - Not a Jew

G.I. SERIES - A soldier's ball game

IMPOTENT - Distinguished, well known

LABOR PAIN - Getting hurt at work

MEDICAL STAFF - A doctor's cane

MORBID - A higher offer

NITRATES - Cheaper than day rates

NODE - Was aware of

OUT PATIENT - A person who has fainted

PAP SMEAR - A fatherhood test

PELVIS - A cousin of Elvis

POST OPERATIVE - Letter carrier

RECOVERY ROOM - Place to do upholstery

RECTUM - Dang near killed 'em

SECRETION - Hiding something

SEIZURE - Roman emperor

TABLET - Small table

TERMINAL ILLNESS - Getting sick at the airport

ULTRASOUND - Good music

URINE - Opposite of "You're out!"

VARICOSE - Near by

VEIN - Conceited

[kimo55]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

"DILATE To live long"


hmmm. that one was pretty good.

[Leo Lakio]

Re: Chinese Restaurants in Hawaii

Growing up, our family made almost weekly visits to our favorite Chinese restaurant, Kin Wah in Kaneohe.

I had to print this out, so I could read it out loud to my sweetie (who is from Kane`ohe, and knows this place) - we ROARED with laughter! Several days later, I can still turn and say "duh ay" to crack her up.
Mahalo, Pomai, for this brilliantly constructed laugh-fest.

[Pomai]

A-E-I-O-U us one for those turiss's

Mahalo Leo Lakio for da kind comps. You get green gum fo' dat one!

Looks like your sig' is an encrypted translation for "I like oh wah oh duh-ay".

-------------------- new installment below -------------------------

Ever had a mainland tourist stop you for directions? I sure have.

Let's see if you can decipher the madness!

"Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to...

1.) KAH'NA'PO'LEE
2.) CANE'NEE'OH
3.) HAIN'NUH
4.) EYE'AH
5.) MA'KA'WAY'OH
6.) LIH'HEW
7.) KAY'HUH'LOO
8.) KAI'YOU'LANE'EE street
9.) KAY'POI'OH'LANE'EE blvd.
10.) AYE-LAY MONA shopping center

Heard any unique ones yourself? No scade, post 'em!

[Menehune Man]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

Hey Frank. What do you call a sixty / forty relationship?
Oh that's easy... a haole husband and and a filipino wife.

[Pomai]

What's in a name

Upon reading how HT members came up with their screen names, this inspired me to think about the humorously peculiar side of people's real names in Hawaii.

For instance, the local Japanese. What are the chances you've met or known a Japanese male named Reid, Chance, Royce, Brandon, Melvin, Scott or Wendell? Or a Japanese female named Wendy, Gayle, Sheri, Lynn, Ivy, Shelly or Christine?

Then you get the Japanese nick names that usually are abbreviated last names like, "Naka's" (Nakashima- Nakata - Nakahara), Yama's (Yamanaka - Yamamoto- Yamashita), or Moto's (Yamamoto - Kawamoto - Ishimoto). You get the idea.

How about Hawaiian names that have that "why name my child ONE Hawaiian word when I can name them an ENTIRE SENTENCE? OR TWO" e.g. "Pualani O Ka _______ ________ _______ ________ ________ ______". Which ends up translated to something like, "The flower of heaven in all her splendid beauty, smiles preciously upon the calm breezy sea, flowing upon the lush tropical mountains". breath. Wait.. there's more... "and down to the sea, up back the mountains, then the breeze flows back to the sea".

How about these interesting "East Meets West" first and last name combinations...

Name of a person with:
• French mother and Japanese father: Jacque Nakatani (male), Emmanuel Ishizaki (female)
• African American mother and Chinese father: Jamal Lum Kee (male), Yolanda Wong (female)
• Mexican mother and Korean Father: Carlos Kim (male), Maria Sung (female)
• Mexican mother and Japanese Father: Pedro Ishihara (male), Rosarita Ito (female)
You get the idea.

[GypsyLika]

Re: Local Jokes and Humor of Hawaii

Dis is a real person.
Japanese Mom/Italian Dad, so da son's name: Hedeki Bacigalupo

[Rickyrab]

Re: Chinese Restaurants in Hawaii

True story!...

Growing up, our family made almost weekly visits to our favorite Chinese restaurant, Kin Wah in Kaneohe.

There was this one waitress who worked there a year or two. Very nice lady who served us quite often. Only thing, her heavy Chinese-English accent was almost complety VOID of consonants, especially the end of each word – ONLY vowels. Plus, she would often cut words in half. It took us a while to get used it, but eventually we all became "fluent" in understanding her.

Here's an example of a typical conversation we had with her (translated).*

*Pronounced in HEAVY Chinese accent to get the full effect.

Weh' Kih Wah, how eh'-bah-day?
(Welcome to Kin Wah, how's everybody's day?

Good! How are you?

Woh' Hah'. Bee!
(Working Hard. It's been busy!)

I know, we waited half an hour to get in.

Wah oh' day?
(What will you order today?)

**So we place our order**

Then she repeats our order to us:
You oh: (You ordered)
• Wah oh fai lai, no ay', no uh'
(1 order fried rice, no eggs, no onions)
• Wah oh wai lai
(1 order white rice)
Ay foo yuh'
(Egg Fu Yung)
• She Shau Shih'
(Sweet and Sour Shrimp)
She Shau Po'
(Sweet and Sour Pork)
• Ko Jih' Chih'
(Cold Ginger Chicken)
•*Cha Shoo Bau
(Chair Siu Bau)
• Bee Boh'
(Beef Broccoli)
• Kree Wuh Tah
(Crispy Won Ton)
• Duh ay'
(Duck Eggs)

Oh. Be bah ai wah
(O.K.. Be right back with iced water)

One day my father asked her what her name was and she said: "Beh'"
It took several failed attempts for him to understand her name, until she finally wrote on her order pad: "Betty".

I swear, my dad choked so hard, a chow fun noodle almost shot out his nose!

Sidenote: Kin Wah Chop Suey is still in the same place: the complex where Masa and Joyce Okazuya is, across Windard City Shopping Center. Still "WOK'in" after all these years and (IMHO) one of the BEST Chinese restaurants this side of the Koolau's.

"Chop suey" got its name because some Chinese chef was trying to say "chop soya" (referring to chopsticks and soya sauce in an effort to make up a name for a dish he'd invented) in a heavy Chinese accent in the USA.

[Pomai]

Re: Chinese Restaurants in Hawaii

"Chop suey" got its name because some Chinese chef was trying to say "chop soya" (referring to chopsticks and soya sauce in an effort to make up a name for a dish he'd invented) in a heavy Chinese accent in the USA.

Do you have any funny stories to tell about your own personal experiences visiting Chinese Restaurants in NJ (Joy'Z)? Would love to hear em!

I know there's a HUGE Chinatown in NY.

[Rickyrab]

Re: Chinese Restaurants in Hawaii

Do you have any funny stories to tell about your own personal experiences visiting Chinese Restaurants in NJ (Joy'Z)? Would love to hear em!

I know there's a HUGE Chinatown in NY.

Well, the following was at a birthday party, not a Chinese restaurant, but...

We were talking about some topic I forget, and at one point, I put my cup to my mouth and emptied it as I usually do; however, I wasn't thinking of what I was doing, and immediately spewed the liquid all over the table (as if one was blowing out a candle or something) - thus causing everyone to die of laughter.

Another one:

My mom is a schoolteacher. Some of the kids misbehave in class. One particular girl, having thrown a chair or two in anger, had been put in the school's "time out room" to calm down, and after time-out was up, Mom entered the room. She promptly stepped in a curious yellow liquid.... it turned out our little rascal had peed her pants.

As for Chinatown? Yeah, it's big, it's practically swallowed up Little Italy, and its fish shops smell, well, fishy. I'm still waiting for something funny to show up over there, but, alas, I don't hear so well. In the meantime: www.engrish.com

[Pomai]

Twirling Thumbs...

No comment.

[Pomai]

Going Loco for Logos

You've all seen the plagiarized Logos on local T-Shirts and Bumber Stickers like:
AllBus (TheBus logo)
ALBLINE (ALPINE CAR AUDIO logo)
HAWAIIAN (Heineken logo)

Augie T. wore a T-shirt on Hawaii's Kitchen khon2 cooking show a while back that was a spin-off the ADIDAS logo, except it was a CHICKEN with the lines and the word ADOBO below. Clever!

Never seen that shirt marketed in stores, butt here's another porky spin-off that design...

[Pomai]

Re: Going Loco for Logos

Choose soft or crunchy at



What's on the menu you may ask?

Soft or Crunchy Tako of course.

Also Tako Poke Tako's.

Takostadas too.